Expectation vs. Resentment
A few years ago, during what I didn’t yet know would be a life altering sixty-minute session, a therapist of mine said, “Trina, you need to start going to Al-Anon.”
I was so confused.
Up until that moment, I had only ever heard of 12 step programs. I had never been to one myself. And I certainly didn’t think of myself as a person who needed a special program – let alone one that had more than 10 steps! (If you have ever spent time with me building furniture or trying to load new technology onto a device of some kind, you’ll know I get mad at the directions pretty quickly – I’m certain this painstaking detail makes sense to some people, but my brain gets tired).
To be clear, I have stamina. I have stick-to-it-tive-ness. Some might even say I have fortitude.
But it’s for other things. I get in flow doing art, being outside, listening to music. I can work backwards from a goal and imagine how to get there. But TWELVE whole steps across months and years – c’mon!
“Do I have to?”
was my near immediate out loud response. My adult self, even to my own ears, sounded like my childhood self. I was transported back to being left with a babysitter - which often meant Kraft mac and cheese (delicious!). But with those buttered noodles and magical cheese powder, my sister and I were also required to eat an apple. Because – you know – nutrition.
“Do I have to?”
“No, you don’t have to. But I think you should,”
said my wise, well-trained, and trusted mental health practitioner.
“But how would I even find a meeting?” I asked.
“There are meetings nearly every hour, of every day, everywhere,” she shared gently.
Damnit. No real excuse.
Just a few days later I reached out to my sister while sitting in my car in a parking lot. I told her I was about to go into my first ever Al Anon meeting as my accountability buddy so I wouldn’t back out.
That day, and for many weeks, and then eventually months, I established a routine on Monday afternoons of going to an Al Anon meeting, learning the steps, and starting to relinquish the haunting realities of what was not (and never has been) in my control.
I think often of one of my favorite lines from the television show, The West Wing, “the help helped.”
So, what does my foray into Al-Anon have to do with the modern-day American workplace? I’m happy to tell you.
Twelve Step programs, whether Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, (or any other variation) have a lot of mantras. These quick little sayings are there for you to use when it feels like you can’t find the floor. They are short and purposefully easy to remember so you can use them even when you’re in a heightened arousal state.
As a professional coach and facilitator, with a front row seat to more than 200 organizations’ cultures since 2017, American workers are most certainly in a heightened arousal state.
People are pissed at their bosses. Pissed at their co-workers. Pissed at their companies. And pissed at the economy overall.
I get it! Capitalism is a beast. Our jobs, and therefore our livelihoods, housing, health care and more feel tenuous. Uncertain. Unsafe.
It makes me remember a mantra I learned in Al Anon – “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”
I’m sure 12 step didn’t invent this quote. It sounds like something a wise uncle could have uttered across time and across circumstances.
Every day I hear from and listen to clients who are genuinely trying hard to improve their workplace cultures. Instead of the Sunday Scaries, I think we’d all prefer to look forward to, or at the very least feel neutral rather than negative, about going to work.
I find it a helpful exercise to put my feet on the ground, take a few deep breaths, and see if I can locate any current resentments related to work.
- Who am I mad at?
- What am I mad at?
- What continues to linger in my thoughts even though it’s over already?
Once I locate current resentments, I can work backwards to map out my expectations.
As adults, it is our job to share what we believe we need to be successful. No matter how much your colleagues care about you, they simply cannot be clairvoyant. No one can.
You may have heard me say at one time or another, put out both your hands. Now imagine making asks and offers. My left hand is asks. My right hand is offers. If I want to be in a reciprocal, mutually beneficial relationship with other adults with whom I work, I can choose to get in the habit of noticing resentment, and doing the work to discover what I need to ask for and what I could offer that might just improve my situation.
Sometimes there are creative constraints that make sharing what you need hard. Whatever your circumstance, I encourage you to try living with the mantra, “expectations are resentments waiting to happen,” for the next 7 days and just pay attention to what shows up in your conscious awareness.
- Has an expectation of yours changed or shifted?
- Does an expectation need to be voiced?
- Are there resentments currently getting in the way of working relationships you’d prefer to experience with ease?
I’m curious what you’ll learn and what you’ll try.
My commitment to you, on this journey of 52 essays in 52 weeks, is that next week I’m going to
finish and share an essay about the responsibility of re-education.
Yours,