What Kind of Neighbor Are You?

Recently, I’ve been thinking a bunch about what it means to be a neighbor.

A good neighbor? A bad neighbor? A present neighbor? An absent neighbor?

I’ve been thinking about neighbors and neighborhoods lately because I’m now just days away from moving, of course. But additionally, I’ve been traveling a bit, and when I find myself in a new geography, a new community, around a new set of people, I am more aware than usual of how I am treated by folks who don’t know me but there we are – next to one another right now. It can be fascinating.

Often, in my work, I am trying to tell stories and paint pictures of relevant similarities and differences. Some of us grew up in shoes-off households. Some shoes on. Some of us were taught to be in the “clean the plate” club at dinner. Some of us were told to stop when we felt full. Some of us were shown religious rituals. Some of us were taught meaning and morals outside of a religious doctrine entirely.

When people and communities are grappling with how to handle ‘difference’ – different abilities, races, religions, and more, one technique I have used is to ask people to consider these folks your neighbors.

When talking about the people who share my current geography (I live in the Twin Cities which is the southeast part of Minnesota), I will often add the moniker ‘Minnesotan.’ I do this not to be kitschy; I do this to remind people we are living here together. We are neighbors: Somali Minnesotans, Black Minnesotans, Latinx Minnesotans, Hmong Minnesotans, Jewish, Muslim, and Lutheran Minnesotans. I could go on and on.

Neighbors.

Sharing streets. Sharing schools. Sharing land. Sharing food.

Inside the boundaries of the current U.S. state called Minnesota, there are seven Anishinaabe (Chippewa, Ojibwe) reservations and four Dakota (Sioux) communities. I learned through stories and folklore from my childhood here, that being a “good neighbor” is a whole kind of worldview and ethos that goes beyond – has even more texture than – simple ‘hospitality.’

Stories of colonization often include sharing how surprised people were to be treated horribly by new neighbors. This was not a show of naivete. It is a reminder that treating neighbors as less than was simply not part of a shared worldview – not a thing some could ever imagine happening – and thus, it was completely shocking.

On the contrary, some peoples expected neighbors to be kind, welcoming, open, and to share, not compete or steal. Now I am not here to over-simplify, vilify, or pretend that there have not been tense relationships between people the world over. I am saying that acknowledging neighbors’ interdependent nature is both complex and worthy of thoughtful reflection.

Time and time again, in the trainings I lead and the workplace conflicts I am called in to help navigate, I remind adult professionals that we do not need to all be best friends to work together.

In-grouping and out-grouping is rampant in this highly polarized culture. “Us” vs. “them” is everywhere you look and listen. There is scapegoating, dehumanizing, and “othering” of people we live alongside. There is casting of blame, vilifying of difference, and fear-mongering used as effective tools in a charged and well-monied political environment.

I mean it when I say that when I am charged with working alongside someone, it’s okay if we don’t “hit it off.” We may come from very different families, communities, backgrounds, and lived experiences. We may already have some things in common, or perhaps the work project we are engaged in together is the extent of what we understand about one another’s lives and values.

No question, none of us want to work in a hostile environment. But most of us can tolerate a relatively high level of awkwardness and confusion as we work to get to know our colleagues so we can do our jobs together and do them well.

We don’t need to think or fixate on opposites. Most of my life, in my experience, has been spent

somewhere in the grey area. People are complex. We’re not necessarily opposites – diametrically opposed. For a bunch of us, there is a get-to-know-you, warming-up period to most of our constructive working relationships. We learn how one another thinks. We learn what one another gets stressed about. We learn what motivates and excites us each.

I keep feeling parallels to neighbors.

There we are, living in a community in one way or another.

In an apartment building we share walls, staircases, elevators, and the mailbox area. In trailers and/or houses we live near one another, adjacent and intersecting in the alley, our yards, and need to coordinate mail pick up, lawn mowing, and snow plowing when someone is away for an extended period.

We are our brother’s keeper. Is that true? How does that feel? Am I holding myself up to that standard?

Hmmm.

If I’m honest, when I think of the over 30 places I’ve lived across 18 cities in the U.S., I have been both a solid and a shitty neighbor, depending.

My age, my health, my geography, and my busy life have meant that sometimes I’ve tapped in and really participated in the community and my neighborhood. And sometimes it was more that I was simply passing through – needing somewhere to stash my stuff and occasionally heat up a TV dinner – but not much more than that if I’m being honest.

Sometimes my neighbors looked and sounded a lot like me. Other times, I have stood out like a sore thumb in my building, at my bus stop, or while waiting for the subway.

I am grateful I’ve had both experiences thus far.

They have each provided interesting sensations, awareness, and desires. There have been times I have wanted to feel close to those around me. At times I self-segregated, my goal being to stand apart.

I’m about to be a new neighbor once again. Each time I move I can, theoretically, reinvent myself in this way. These new people on my new block will have no idea what I’ve been like to live near up until the day I move in. A clean slate!

I like the opportunity to get conscious and set some intentions for who I want to be and how I want to show up this time.

At work, if I consider my colleagues a kind of neighbor and my workplace a kind of neighborhood, when was the last time I checked in about my core values and the behaviors I want to regularly exhibit as a neighbor?

As I’m approaching my next stint as a neighbor, here’s a short list of the things I’d like to set as intentions and then work to embody:

- I’d like to be a generous neighbor.

o For me, this doesn’t mean I need to send everyone a Valentine’s card or a fruit basket. For me, I think the kinds of generosity I currently have capacity for includes:

 A wave and hello when I run into folks on my street

 An offering to grab mail or shovel a sidewalk

 I’m not willing to dog sit, but I am happy to buy kid’s candy if they’ve got a fundraiser or something

- I’d like to be a curious neighbor.

o I’m not a creepy, busybody type of neighbor. By curious, I mean a neighbor who’s willing to learn and be surprised and really let people and personalities unfold as I get to know folks and families over time. I don’t want to jump to conclusions about people or have ‘least favorite’ people we all talk about or make fun of. That kind of stuff always makes me feel gross—like we’re picking on someone. I want to be curious about what people need, want, like, hate, are afraid of, are especially mindful of, etc.

- I’d like to be a neighbor who shows that I care.

o I’ve got a bunch of house renos in my near future. Some of which will be exterior and/or obvious to those around me. I’m certain other people won’t love all of my creative and aesthetic choices, but I do want to be someone who tends to our proverbial (and sometimes literal) garden. I’ll have my little patch of the world, and in the best-case scenario, it adds a little flair to what other neighbors already have going on.

Sometimes metaphors work for me. Sometimes they unlock a different part of my brain and/or heart. Something about my perspective shifts ever so slightly and that helps me tap into a new kind of empathy, openness, care, and curiosity.

- What if, for the next 2 weeks, you thought actively about everyone you encounter as a neighbor? People at the airport. People at the grocery store. People in a Zoom meeting. People in your faith community. What might you notice?

- What might get better or different if you took on the posture of behaving like a neighbor rather than just a ‘colleague’? What would that mean you start, stop, do more, do less, or do differently?

- How would your expectations of yourself shift and change if you were wearing your ‘neighbor’ hat? How would your expectations of your colleagues change (perhaps even soften) if you consider your colleagues a kind of neighbor to you?

This feels worth thinking about for a bit. I’ll be sure to report back what I notice. Of course, I’d love for you to do the same. You can reach me anytime at trina@trinaolson.com.

Until next week,