Why Are We So Obsessed with Permanence?

I’m pretty sure our desire to avoid change is hurting us.

I am noticing a resistance, a distaste for, an avoidance of change and evolution and I think it’s doing a lot of damage.

Last week – for those of you reading this at or near the time it was written – was a disastrous presidential debate between Biden and Trump. One of them lied, refused to answer the questions being asked, and devolved into nonsensical narcissistic bloviating. The other one froze and meandered and did much of his opponent’s job for him. It was sad. It was scary. It was a mess.

I bring up that debate because in moments of crisis and pain and confusion I have to remind myself – this is temporary.

In the moment, pain can feel interminable. I remember the first time I broke my arm. (Sorry to my mom – I broke it more than once!) I had never felt pain like that before in my life. A bone snapping is a big deal. It’s shocking, it’s confusing, and because there has been a literal fracture – like Humpty Dumpty – it feels dubious that I will be able to be put back together again.

Over the course of my life, I can easily recall receiving the news that a loved one had died. It was shocking. It was brutal. It felt like the world stopped and the ground might potentially swallow me whole.

I can keenly remember Alfonso and I having a series of very tough conversations when it was beginning to become clear that meaningful DEI funding was drying up. Although there had been a surge in our bodies of work, leaders and organizations pledging to learn more and do better, approximately two years after the murder of George Floyd by police, people were no longer putting their money where their mouths were and after a period of tremendous growth we were going to have to shrink.

Each and every tipping point I’ve lived through thus far – personal, political, spiritual – well, thank God there has been an ebb and flow of sorts.

A relationship ends, a relationship begins. Confusion gets followed by clarity - and then confusion again ;) My life has included a whole bevvy of win, lose, and draw.

Why is this feeling important to write about as a person who comes to you under the guise of modern- day U.S. workplace justice? Because I have the pleasure, honor, and challenge of talking to a bunch of leaders across a bunch of states leading inside of a bunch of different industries and they are regularly reporting to me that folks are having a helluva time navigating change.

And that’s a problem.

Because change is constant.

Now, in retrospect, it occurs to me that I must have been wrestling with this for some time because I have a bunch of metaphors, reminders, and truisms I want to share to help you better navigate the ever-changing contexts in which we live and work.

In no particular order, I’m going to share wise things other people have said, which I draw upon as powerful teachings to this day. I’m going to share with you what I’ve been taught about:

- Surfing

- Teeth

- Fundraising

- Nation-Building, and

- Football

All in the hopes that something will stick and serve as a grounding force in your life and leadership moving forward.

Surfing:

My longtime mentor and teacher and friend, Deb, spoke to me early on in my Enneagram study about surfing. For you see, I am an Enneagram 8 – The Challenger (don’t judge), which puts me on the line with Enneagram 5 – The Investigator.

When I am not at my best, I follow that line and go down and in. I get super-duper interested and focused on one core thing, curiosity, need, or want. Let me be clear – there is NOTHING WRONG with being focused. There IS a problem when I get mono-maniacally focused. When I put my proverbial blinders on, shut out the rest of the world, and over-intensify my energy in an unhealthy way.

One of the many things I love about the Enneagram is that the quest is towards wholeness, healthiness, and balance. When I am well, I can both focus AND take in new and useful information. I can work hard – but still at a reasonable level that doesn’t result in self-harm. I can channel my leadership while ALSO recognizing I am part of a much greater ecosystem – not ultimately ‘in charge’ of how other people feel and behave.

The antidote at Enneagram point 5 is ‘non-attachment.’ I visualize that as going from tightly closed fists – an intense energy for things to go my way on my time in the order in which it makes sense to me. The alternative is to unfurl my fingers, face my palms up, and just consider receiving.

For a full-body remembering, Deb offered me the image of surfing.

I am paraphrasing; from my memory she said something like this, “Because you have chosen justice work, because you are deciding to live your life in the proverbial arena, and because you want to live life awake rather than sleep-walking, it’s like you’ve decided to be out on the ocean. The waves crash. The tides ebb and flow. From one minute, hour, and day to the next, the water keeps shifting and changing, undulating underneath you.”

She continued, “Imagine you are on top of a surfboard, and your surfboard is floating on the ocean. You can either spend all your energy fighting with the water, angry at the weather, blaming and cursing the water for how you are feeling. Or you could choose to make peace with the ocean. You are buoyed, you are held, and yes, there is a lot of movement to navigate. Rather than lock your legs and fighting an unwinnable race, you could soften – your knees, your face, your whole body and learn to ride the waves.”

Deb is pretty great, right!?! To this day, when I can feel my own resistance, I visualize literally bending my knees, imagining the breeze and the salt air, the cool water skimming up over my toes, and I think to myself, “Trina, bend your knees!”

Teeth:

You know that ‘from the mouth of babes’ saying? And ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’? Well, one of my nieces said the most brilliant thing to me about impermanence a handful of years ago. It has stuck with me ever since.

I can no longer remember what we were discussing, but I was talking about something that was fixin’ to change soon, and she said to me – without missing a beat, “In and out – like teeth.”

She was the age where her older sister had already lost most of her baby teeth, and she was just starting. It is certainly confusing when body parts start dropping out one by one. She had inquired with her parents to find out what the hell was going on. Was this going to keep happening once it started? Was there a never-ending supply of new teeth waiting to push out the old ones? All good questions, I thought.

Sometimes, something utterly shocking happens in our lives. Like a tooth plumb dropping out of your face. It’s absolutely wild! And yet, come to find out, wild changes are part of our lives. Sometimes, they are predictable – like growing up and moving out. Other times they feel completely out of the blue – like being laid off, getting divorced, et cetera.

So now, when shocking changes are underway in my life, I smile sightly and remember this sweet girl re-teaching me, “In and out, like teeth, Trina.”

Fundraising:

I am eternally grateful that I had the teachers I had when it was time for me to learn how to raise money for our movements. There were no gimmicks, there was no manipulation, and no fixation on any one type of donor as better or worse than any other.

At 21 years old, I was taught that when we reached out and told people about our campaign to lower the cost of prescription drugs, we were simply giving folks the opportunity to invest in something they cared about, which would very likely improve their lives and health moving forward.

With that mindset as our foundation, I was taught, no begging and no bullying.

There was literally zero need to communicate from a place of scarcity or trying to trigger feelings of guilt. No begging. If someone wasn’t interested or able to donate – understandable, keep it moving.

Also – no bullying. There was no need to scare or cajole people into giving – making it feel forced and icky and like there was a shitty power differential at play where someone would ‘get in trouble’ if they didn’t help. There are a million legitimate reasons why getting involved with us was not something someone was open to or interested in. That was okay. That does not make us enemies. It just means we’re not going to be connected in the way I was hoping for today.

No begging. No bullying.

Since learning this credo in a fundraising context, I have felt the value of applying it to all sorts of relationships. The best relationships are mutual. At work, in romance, in life – there should be no need to beg and no need to bully. If we are going to choose to do something together, there should be mutual consent and value. Begging and bullying only lead to disappointment and resentment. If someone you are working with lets you know they are ready to move on, let them go. No begging, no bullying.

Nation-Building:

Just last week, I was on Zoom, catching up with a dear friend, Laura. We were reminiscing about the time we were both in Anchorage, Alaska, working on a trans-inclusive non-discrimination campaign (we lost, by the way).

I had never been to Alaska before. It was autumn (close-ish to Election Day), so it was snowy, cold, and mostly dark.

There was a cultural code, and it took me a moment to figure it out as folks introduced each other. First, it was the norm to talk about visitors from “the lower 48.” I mean, I had heard that phrase before, I’m sure. But never had I identified with it, necessarily. There was also some sort of pride being communicated when folks would tell you how long they had lived in Alaska – even though that wasn’t a question I ever asked – it was simply regularly offered.

Additionally, there were folks at cafés wearing sweatshirts with emblems celebrating “50 years of statehood.” Alaska became a state in 1959! I was there around 2010, so that makes sense. It felt wild!

I remember my white Lutheran family watching “White Christmas” each December during my childhood. In this movie about post-war WWII hijinks and romance, there is a fleeting moment where the two sisters refer to a photo of their brother, a WWII veteran, who now lived OUT OF THE COUNTRY—they meant in Alaska (my tiny childhood mind was blown)!

I recognize this could feel a lot like a non-sequitur and the most out-of-left-field example of my list thus far. Stick with me. Countries change. Made-up borders move. This happens all the time – it’s happening right now – all around the globe.

But in the U.S., we talk like 50 states has been forever and will go on forever. Why? Because of our hyper-literal stars and stripes flag!?! Get outta here with that! If Florida and Texas were to secede, so be it. If American Samoa and Guam want to become states, or Washington, Oregon, and California choose to peel off – I’d get that. I’m not saying any major change wouldn’t be enormously disruptive, but I do want to remind us that change is possible. And perhaps even wise.

I currently live in Minnesota, and we just changed our state flag (from a formerly racist and very busy-looking situation) to a beautiful three-color, easily replicable design. The original Dakota name for Minnesota can be translated as “where the water meets the sky.” Our new flag references water, sky, and being North. I think it looks lovely.

I recognize the U.S. has been freaked out over statues, flags, school names, and more. The good news is that evolution is possible! We can absolutely grow, change, heal, and seek repair all while keeping pride, history, and shared values intact. In fact, change and forward movement often mean we can more fully live our espoused values.

Back to that debate last week – I’m pretty freaked out. But I’m also feeling open to the changing nature of America and whatever needs to get different in order to better and more fully take care of our people. We make too much money and have too many resources to have so much pain and suffering on our own shores. We have enough. In fact, we have more than enough. We have a distribution problem and a greed problem and a decision-making problem.

Most countries don’t last forever. Most companies don’t last forever. Many marriages don’t last forever. That doesn’t make them a failure. That means they were around for a season and likely made a big impact during that time.

We don’t have to keep grasping for permanence when evolution may, in fact, be more apt.

Football

You may be familiar with internationally lauded writer, producer, and director Lin-Manuel Miranda from works including “In The Heights,” “Hamilton,” “Moana,” and more.

A few years ago, I picked up a small book called, “GMORNING, GNIGHT! little pep talks for me and you,”(LINK TO THE BOOK) written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and illustrated by Jonny Sun.

It’s a brilliant piece of work that originated in Miranda’s penchant for sending morning and evening Tweets to start and end each day. Compiled into a collection, each page spread has the gmorning on the left-hand page, and gnight on the right-hand page.

Keeping this book on the nightstand next to my bed, I have cultivated a near-daily habit of randomly opening to a page – willy-nilly style. I give a quick read upon waking and when I’m ready to lay down for the night. When there is a particular snippet that really resonates with me, or I think will speak to a friend, I snap a photo of it and send it in a text.

When wrestling with the notion of permanence and impermanence today, I wanted to share pages 114 and 115 with you. I think the sports references touch on football, hockey, and maybe even soccer. Check it out:

“Good morning.

Keep going.

They will move the goal posts.

They will upend the board when they’re in check.

Life WILL be unfair.

YOU keep going.”

__________________________________________

“Good night.

Keep going.

They will change the rules on you.

There will be chutes lurking after ladders.

Life’s not fair.

YOU keep going.”

Let’s all keep going!

I’m curious,

o What are you holding tightly to? and lightly to?

o What makes you feel grounded, and what keeps you feeling open?

o How are you currently working too intensely to force or control? Where are you allowing both opening and unfolding?

Let me know – trina@trinaolson.com.

One final offering as you work to cultivate your “I can tolerate change” inner practice, a lovely and short poem by Emory Hall set to music. It’s called “impermanence”

Surfing this vast ocean together,