You Should Try a To-Don’t List
Some days I wake up with a to-do list already looping in my brain.
You know that semi-conscious space between sleeping and waking where there is a random song in your head and you’re half-remembering the dream you just had? It can feel so odd to emerge into the day with words and sounds and visuals already cued up. Brains certainly are busy!
I once heard a psychologist explain that sleep is when the brain cleans itself – like the janitorial crew of a downtown office building swooping in when the lights are off to empty trash cans, vacuum, and ready the space for the next day.
I also think of the sorting our mostly subconscious brain does to decide which memories to keep, which ones to toss, and which puzzles and problems still need our attention. I envision file cabinets and a whole set of mini librarians scrambling around in my brain when I’m trying to recall something and shelving things that can go in the proverbial brain archive.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to-do lists scattered throughout my life.
Some are written down; others are living rent-free in my mind embodying more of a spastic “don’t forget!” frenetic energy.
Personally, I’ve got a money to-do list in an Excel spreadsheet. I also have a running house, car, and health to-do list in an App called Notion. This series of to-do lists ensures I can recall when I’m supposed to change air filters, get an oil change, and see a gynecologist.
My current work to-do list is spread across three locations:
1) My Google calendar – if I haven’t put a task or meeting in my schedule, I’m truly unclear when it’s going to get done
2) A Google spreadsheet – where I track overall and distinct client tasks on a series of alphabetized sheets that make sense to me
3) A short stack of papers that sit to the left of my laptop stand on my homemade plywood desk
If you’re currently a client of mine and learning this feels less than comforting – I hear you ;)
But don’t worry. I’m a note-taker. Throughout the week, I highlight in yellow action items I need to make time for, but that aren’t immediately time-sensitive. By the end of each week, I go through this pile and make sure I’ve made plans to tend to everything highlighted.
Depending on the organization I’ve worked at, the role I’ve held, and who I’ve lived with – I’ve had plenty of to-do list systems. There have been whiteboards, chore charts, and an elaborate color-coded Post-it note system.
I genuinely have zero judgment about different people’s different methods for tracking and managing complex and full lives. Whatever works for you - works! Sounds like a victory to me.
Seeing as we’ve spent so much time in adult life figuring out our various to-do lists, I thought it could be valuable to turn at least some of our attention towards TO-DON’T lists as well.
What is a to-don’t list?
I’m glad you asked.
For me, a to-don’t list is a short list of things I want to be conscious and intentional about NOT doing.
As you know, the center of my executive coaching and facilitation practice is about noticing, naming, and navigating patterns. Culture is the combination of patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior – what those patterns mean, and what we decide is in and out of bounds. Sometimes, at work (and in life) we find ourselves engaged in patterns that don’t feel good, or don’t serve us, or both.
I have certainly spent a lot of time focusing on what I am doing and could do and less time on recognizing and also committing to what I don’t want to do and/or what I want to stop doing altogether.
I believe there is value in both - purposeful action and purposeful inaction. Knowing how to drive and push and inspire my own actions is helpful. Additionally, learning and cultivating my conscious ability to NOT go with the flow when I feel myself getting caught up in mine or society’s patterns with which I do not (or no longer) agree or align.
Here is a snippet from MY CURRENT TO-DON’T LIST in case you’d like some examples and inspiration to build your own:
I am NOT going to ignore my body’s needs and signals.
- If I am hot, or cold, or hungry, or need to use the restroom I will tend to those needs. I will not skip it, or deny what I’m feeling, or try to “push through” as some strange sign of strength and commitment. I will tell a colleague or client to go ahead and get started. If someone can take notes that would be appreciated; I’ll catch up with them shortly.
I am NOT going to engage in gossip or name-calling or making fun of or dehumanizing.
- We are living and working at a time when people seem to feel perfectly comfortable publicly (and privately) speaking cruelty and judgment and general unkindness, getting “likes” and “shares” and going viral. It’s gross. It’s ubiquitous and thus runs the risk of becoming “normal.” It’s not for me. Even people with whom I deeply disagree, I will NOT lower myself to the pile-ons and easy quips that seemingly fly from every angle. I would never want to be talked about in these ways, so I refuse to do it to others.
I am NOT going to be underpaid for my work.
- I am a woman in America, and I recognize the value of the work I can produce and provide. Additionally, some of my very best friends are men. Being near them and talking with them I am regularly reminded that there is nothing sinister or extractive in knowing your worth. It can feel easy to fall into a scarcity mindset – believing I should be grateful I can get anything and “not looking a gift horse in the mouth” and all that. I am flexible, I am creative, I am understanding, and I recognize that we currently live inside a Capitalist infrastructure. I believe my work is valuable. Other people recognize my work as valuable. So that I don’t get resentful and so that I don’t become part of the decades-long statistic of women having less, “I am not going to be underpaid” is a helpful item on my current to-don’t list.
I am NOT going to critique and complain without also offering viable alternative solutions or ideas.
- A lot of people have opinions about a lot of things. I am not an exception. But it is important to me that I exert enough conscious self-discipline to avoid the bitching and complaining that would fall out of my mouth easily if I wasn’t careful. I read the news, I navigate three different email inboxes at the moment. Like you, I live in the world - so theoretically have plenty I want to complain about. And yet – it doesn’t make me feel better. I don’t want to be a person in the “cheap seats” yelling from on high. I want to be “in the arena” – trying to figure out what can be done to make things better.
I am NOT going to change my body or voice to make other people “more comfortable.”
- I’m taking a deep breath before I write anything else here. Give me a minute…(in)…(out)…(in)…(out)…
Okay. Here’s the deal. My body is not here for anyone else. My body is not a problem. My body is not a hindrance. My body is not in the way. My body is where I currently live, and it contains wisdom and strength. It houses all my everything. My body is central to my experience as a human being. At work and in life, sometimes I will “dress up,” and sometimes I will “dress down.” Sometimes I will wear make-up, sometimes I will not. Sometimes I will wear a bra, sometimes I will not. Sometimes I will cover up (because I am cold), other times I will wear very little (because I am hot). I will adorn my body with jewelry and body art and nail paint when I want to. All of this because my body is mine. It’s not for you. I will not be accepting any critique about my body being “unprofessional.” I am smart and wise and capable literally no matter what I look like to you. Period.
I am NOT going to say “yes” to things I really do not want to do just because I am theoretically capable of doing said thing.
- Decision fatigue is real, and overwork and overwhelm are both real, too. Year after year, articles and studies emerge about Americans doing too much for too long. There are diminishing returns when we pack our schedules and our lives full to overflowing. Busy isn’t cute. Given the work ahead of me and the kind of life I want to live, I need time to metabolize, create, dream, and problem-solve. I need a cadence that includes rest, play, and work.
Therefore, I will think before I say “yes.” I will pause. I will genuinely consider. And I will say, “I can’t, but thank you for thinking of me,” when that’s what I need to say.
I am NOT going to succumb to hopelessness or despair or nihilism.
- I woke up this morning thinking that Kamala Harris might become President of the United States, so that gave me a boost to be sure. But given our reality these past few years, I personally must be careful to catch myself if and when I start sliding down the slope of – “we’re all fucked.”
This thought pattern happens to me from time to time. And it’s typically justified. It’s after a bad date – me thinking, “this is not worth it!” Or after I doom scroll, and it reads like the world is both literally and figuratively on fire.
At Team Dynamics, one of the values we chose to name was possibility. That felt right to us if, for no other reason, very few things are impossible.
When I’m having a down hour, day, or month, going out into nature usually helps. Air, clouds, water, and trees continue to feel magical to me no matter how old and curmudgeonly I feel. So, if I catch a pattern of hopelessness emerging, I remember, “Trina, we’re NOT doing hopeless.” It helps.
I am NOT going to work when I am unwell.
- I am not currently employed to work in an emergency room. Everything can wait. If I work when I’m too ill I will make mistakes, I will underperform, I will not be able to listen well, and it will take longer for me to recover.
I can reschedule, ask for help, recognize that I’m in a body, and my body is currently giving me information.
I am NOT going to avoid asking for help.
- If I’m honest, which I try to be with you, I would prefer NOT to need people.
It’s not a cute trait. But perhaps you relate. It wasn’t until one of my best friends “caught me” in a precarious position on a ladder that was perched on my front steps in order to change an up high light bulb that I was reminded the people who love me would like me to be careful with myself.
I truly hadn’t thought anything of it. In fact, I was pretty proud of myself for my MacGyver-esque setup. My friend said, “how about next time you call one of us over and we can at least hold your belt loop while you’re up there?” Good call ;)
It is important to me to recognize my tendency to suffer alone for far too long if I’m not careful. When I am starting to struggle or get really stuck, or I have the sense that something is dangerous or not quite right, even though it feels vulnerable and reminds me that I am interdependent no matter how much I want to be independent, I ask for help.
So, an offering to you – an opportunity to develop YOUR OWN CURRENT TO-DON’T LIST. What might be on it? For example – not doom-scrolling? Not allowing your email inbox to distract you from your impact work? No phone in the bedroom? What else?
One final reminder: my idea of a good to-don’t list is not designed to feel stressful – like in the Biblical sense. It’s not a “do not covet” or you’ll get in trouble type list. It is simply a tool to help you balance. There are things to do, and things not to do. Both seem wise. Treat this as an invitation into a different kind of conscious awareness and let me know how it feels and what you experience and learn in the process. Send me a note at trina@trinaolson.com.
And of course, if you find this idea of a “to-don’t” list valuable, please forward this to friends and colleagues.
Until Next Week,
-Trina
P.S. Early Bird Registration is OPEN NOW for my Four-Part Cohort for Leaders this October and November. Learn more here (https://www.trinaolson.com/services) and send me an email if you’d like all the details – trina@trinaolson.com. I’d love to have you join us!