Individualism + Interdependence (a both/and approach)

So, I tried starting this essay yesterday.

I ended up referencing an animated film at length, and upon further consideration, it’s just not the vibe for what I want to share this week. I’m writing this later than usual (it’s Tuesday) and I am choosing to trust that whatever emerges and arrives on the page will be good enough—a contribution. An offering.

I’m trying to remember the spirit of this essay project, which is to get into the habit of sharing my work in public.

For the most part, I work with clients in private. I coach, facilitate, and train behind closed doors (or Zoom rooms). One-on-one and in groups, we dig in together—moving through and grappling with pain points, regrets, wonderings, and ideas. Confidentially, we surface the icky things that have happened, and we dream about what we might try next time that would feel better.

With each of my clients and colleagues, we work on increasing self-awareness of our own biases. We practice noticing, naming, and navigating the ongoing ways that racism, sexism, xenophobia, and more have snuck their way into our patterns of thinking and behavior. It can feel like gross, revelatory, and important work.

A piece of cultural self-awareness work I’ve been delving into lately is the relationship and tension between individualism and interdependence.

My understanding is that compared to the rest of the globe, people living in the U.S. (me included, obviously) are conditioned to be not just individualistic, but hyper-individualistic. Focus is on self—me, mine, I.

Signals of this hyper-individualism include:

- We like heroes – a single, impressive individual who – against all odds – rises above and saves the day. We like “geniuses,” “vanguards,” “mavericks,” “top dogs,” and celebrate individual achievements (think MVPs, valedictorians, Employee of the Month).

- We aim to ‘live on our own’ – picture single-family homes, living ‘independently,’ being able to “take care of ourselves.”

- We often talk about ‘self-care’—in recent years, the phrases ‘putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others’ and ‘taking me time’ have become colloquialisms - shorthand for saying how important it is to tend to, rather than ignore, our own needs.

None of the three examples above are “bad.” They are simply notable. When combined with a bunch of other ways we focus on ourselves, interesting reflections can emerge.

For example, individualism fits hand in glove with capitalism. Think - Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest,’ and Lord of the Flies-type models of society. At its worst, hyper-individualism is a narcissistic worldview often predicated on scarcity and a deep-seated belief that if we do not take care of ourselves, no one else will.

It’s scary. It’s sad. And it’s stressful.

There is an undercurrent of – “I am alone in this world” as a primary vibe – whether conscious or subconscious. And it can feel very real.

By comparison, interdependence was a framework that I first became aware of when I learned about community organizing. My organizing teachers and mentors shared stories, history, and the power of pulling people together to move closer to shared goals and values.

Alone, we were small (and perhaps even insignificant). Together, we could make big moves.

We could win elections, shift resources, and get the people’s will both heard and ultimately honored.

I learned the power of being part of a group in this way that felt different and bigger than simply being part of a biological family or having various friend groups in school or young adulthood.

Interdependence at a community organizing scale often meant meeting, learning from, and trusting people who were very different from you.

- Maybe you were good at fundraising, and someone else possessed talent for fixing IT glitches.

- Maybe you were multilingual, and someone else was a math whiz.

- Maybe you talked to neighbors, and someone else spoke with the governor.

The change we sought required the combined effort of a whole team—a motley crew, a cast of characters, some of us known and others new to each other.

Some countries and subcultures are much more interdependently (not individualistically) centered. The group comes first. There is consideration for the ‘whole.’ Systems and infrastructure, investments, and sacrifices are made to ensure no one gets left behind. There is assumed co-mingling—people and families deeply involved in one another’s choices, direction, and future.

The high side of interdependence as the norm, or the central core around which life is organized, can be a general feeling of safety – held up by both a visible and invisible web. Relationships, neighborhoods, and commitments can be reliable back stops for inevitable challenges in life. The low side of interdependence can include feeling watched, judged, or even smothered. Sometimes, advice, ideas, and weighing in could feel heavy-handed, paternalistic, and unhelpful.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about since COVID: During the height of the pandemic, I became very clear that no matter how much I thought of myself as fiercely “independent,” the truth was that I most certainly needed (and wanted) all sorts of other people to stay alive and well.

My ah-has came in the following forms:

- Yes, I technically “own” my own home, although in reality, my mortgage lender actually does.

- Yes, I technically cooked all my own meals. But I most certainly didn’t grow my own groceries – I was reliant on a complex and worldwide agriculture ecosystem.

- Yes, I am technically the head of my own household – but my biological and chosen family and friend group is a vast network of people who share time, talent, treasure and take turns being one another’s emergency contacts. I live alone, but I am not living life alone (if that makes sense).

Tema Okun teaches about how individualism is one of the characteristics of white supremacy culture. She shares: “​Individualism is our cultural story - that we make it on our own (or should), without help, while pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Our cultural attachment to individualism leads to a toxic denial of our essential interdependence and the reality that we are all in this, literally, together.”

I strongly encourage you to check out this entire section of her work as it comes complete with examples and antidotes worth making time to explore carefully.

When played through to its natural end, individualism has the potential to obliterate community. If only individual pursuits and success matter, what are the cultural and societal ramifications of that world view? What kinds of collateral damage might occur?

Thought leader and teacher, Ram Dass, in a song curated by East Forest and Trevor Hall called “Mind Karma,” posits,

“This incarnation has in it - individuality.

Individualism leads to…

war.

And anger

And insecurity

And fear.”

That passage strikes me every time I hear it.

I recall first thinking, “That’s hyperbole! Certainly an overstatement.” Then, upon a second listen I thought, “Shit, that’s an interesting point.” And now I feel forced to wonder, “How in the hell could things like war ever happen if we knew that we were woven together and inextricably linked, not separate?!” It’s been a real journey with just this snippet from this one song.

So, I’ve been thinking, as a white queer woman raised in the U.S., fed cultural conditioning around individualism as key, as a hallmark of being a ‘good, impactful, impressive’ person, how can I reimagine and recalibrate my relationship to both myself AND to the idea and actuality of community?

For the past 18 or so months, I have been toying with and talking about confidence and humility and how I’m finding value in consciously considering both.

A both/and approach. What is the high side – the value, the contributions of both – individualism and interdependence?

- I am currently confident that I, as one person, am capable of making an impact.

- I am currently humble enough to acknowledge that I do NOT make a living or a life on my own.

Human beings are social primates. Evolutionarily our instincts are to live in groups. There is safety in numbers, there is safety in neighbors. We can take turns doing the hard stuff. We can combine our skills, talents and abilities to make a much richer, more robust life than we could alone.

Also, I believe there is value in having a rich inner life—in allowing yourself to take your own journey, your own path, and not be overly swayed by a ‘herd mentality.’ Americans do not like feeling controlled. We want freedom and liberty—me, too. But it is wise not to stray so far that we forget to recognize the impact we’re having on the planet and people around us.

For now, instead of an either/or – where individualism is bad and selfish and interdependence is a heavenly communal experience, I am choosing to fight against a false binary and get curious about the potential combination and value of both perspectives. I’m asking myself questions like:

- When am I taking responsibility and choosing to show up as one person that makes me feel proud, that is an example of me acting in my own integrity – not scapegoating, blaming, or pretending that there’s nothing that little old me can do?

- And when am I flexing, and compromising - showing up as part of a group – recognizing my spot in the human experience as both unique but also much greater than just myself?

I’m curious, how are you embracing both/and more than either/or lately? Where are you wrestling with individualism on too high a volume? Rather than needing to rank order self and others, what do you think of a paradigm shift away from “put yourself first” or “put others first,” and instead aim for something more like – “how am I considering both my own needs and the needs of others as valid and valuable?”

Food for thought.

Thank you for listening and reading.

I’m about to host a ton of family and throw my parents a big anniversary party, so I’m reserving the right to pick next week’s topic next week. I’m curious what I’ll feel moved to write about.

Until then,